Don't Expect Much From Me

I don't claim to be anything special or anyone important. I don't pretend that I am super holy or pure. I don't view things in a politically conservative fashion or even have much of a conservative world-view. I am just me and sometimes I have to make hard decision and I hate making them.

Within the last month I have wrestled with the decision of stepping down from a ministry that I have now stepped down from twice in my life. The Week before and the week that I actually made the decision in my own heart I felt more like a failure then I have in an extremely long time. I was super depressed and would be at peace and confident one moment and then completely and utterly broken the next.

There are many things I could say or reasons I could come up with about why I stepped down but the main reason is that I believe it is what I am suppose to do. The Creator of Heaven and Earth speaks in very different ways at different points in my life and right now I see His hand on the decision I have made. That being said, it doesn't make the decision any easier and I imagine that different people will make up their own excuses or say different things about me and the decision I made. Personally, I don't care.

Like I wrote earlier, I don't claim or pretend to be something I am not. If you ask me a question I'll give you an honest answer as gently as I possibly can. I will never pretend or make my life out to seem as though I have it all together. I struggle in my faith in God and my spiritual walk can be a bit messy at times but I continue to walk nonetheless. No matter what happens or what choices I make in my life I will continue to walk in faith as best I can. All that I have to offer is this Seriously Messy Spirituality that has me standing, sitting, or walking depending on where I am at in life. Which means, you can't expect much from me because there is not much that I can offer, other than myself and the Christ within me.
So....
Here I am, divinely chosen by the Creator who has grace enough for me to do His Will and who expects no more from me than that which He chooses to work within me and through me.

How Seriously and Ridiculously blessed I have been to be asked by Him to work in a community full of broken and hurting youth that His heart yearns for and that I have come to deeply care for.

B.A.

My Honesty May Offend You

At this season and point in my life I would have to say that I am honestly and completely tired of dealing with the same things over and over. I am tired of being burnt and becoming burnt out. I don't even know what to do anymore other than just hold on with the little bit of faith that I have.

My faith in the Heavenly Father isn't what is being lost. My faith in people and working in a church is what is wavering. Over and over not matter where I go or what I do I always wind up dealing with the same things and I am so overwhelmed with the resurfacing of emotions that I am ready to just be done. 

I am the type of person that can take a lot of abuse or being overlooked or taken advantage of but I am tired of having every expectation crushed and statements made to me about how things will be turned into a lie. 

Maybe part of my problem is that I have such high expectations for what working and being a part of a church should look like that when none of what I want to see take place happening I get frustrated and want to quit. Maybe I need more grace. Or, maybe I need more patience. I am not really sure what it is that I need but at this point in my life I am ready to work in a different environment. 

I know this may be a shock to some people but that is simply cause I don't where my emotions on my sleeve and don't make a big deal out of things very often but this is honestly where I am at and what I am dealing with. 

What does all of this mean for my future and what happens in Shasta Lake? Only God really knows. He knows how I feel and what is really going on in my life and what I am struggling with. I am committed to do the things that He has called me to but it doesn't always look the way that we original expect it to look which means that I could be doing something very similar to what I am doing now but in a different capacity. Right now I am just overwhelmed by how many kids are hurting and dealing with so many families that aren't unified that I don't want to be a part of a ministry or setting where I am disconnected from everything and everyone else because then kids are experiencing the same thing they get at home in a different location. 

It is all a bit Ridiculous and it is Seriously Ridiculous that I would go through very similar things all over again but I know there is one who is always faithful even when I am faithless. Thank goodness for that. 

B.A.

Grace Undefinable

Who can define a grace that loves beyond actions so terrible and desires nothing more than to forgive?

For thousands of years the grace of God has been at work all over the world in the lives of those who have chosen to place their faith in Him. Kings whose hearts sought after an all powerful God also found themselves with multiple wives and concubines found grace from God even after committing acts of murder and adultery. Women who committed all sorts of sexual sins including prostitution found a grace that looked beyond their life choices. God seeks to forgive and poor out His grace and all mankind and all it takes is faith Him. It is only an illusion for us to pretend that the world is getting worse or that more people are committing more terrible sins than ever before when throughout the history of the world these kinds of things have always been present. The amazing thing is that in the midst of all of our cultural, societal, and moral sins is a God who seeks to poor out His grace upon a people who will choose to place their faith in Him. This God has made it very apparent that there is no single sin that can withstand His loving grace which is waiting in anticipation to be poured out upon a willing heart. 

No matter how our society or culture changes and what we decide is acceptable and unacceptable the love and grace of God always remains the same. No boundaries can be placed on a grace so great that is poured out upon those whom an uncontrollable, loving God chooses. 

B.A.

Trusting The Gift Giver

Here is a sort of random lesson that I learned today as I was reading a book called "Getting Fired for the Glory of God."

Every person has been given certain gifts and abilities that coincide with their identity and who God has created them to be. Over the years I have learned what gifts God has given me and what things I am good at and what I am not so good at. One thing that I didn't learn was how to keep myself from trusting so much in my ability or gifts that I forget to place my trust in the one who has given me the gifts. It is in this ridiculous state of being able to trust my gifts and having a hard time trusting in the giver of the gifts that I find myself now.
It doesn't seem to make much sense to me in my head how I got this way when I know where it is that my gifts have come from. No matter the reasons for how I got here, I need to get out. I can't stand being worried or frustrated or stressed out over things that I don't have control over. I don't like feeling like a failure or a loner or a child. I want to trust in Jesus, the one who I believe died on the cross to redeem all of creation and bring me the freedom to live an abundant life. There are definitely very specific issues and events in my life that have made trusting in God more difficult but nothing could take away my faith that God is love and God is just. So, no matter what experiences I have gone through or what I deal with I will continue believe that God is love. Maybe, instead of just believing that God is love I need to trust in His love and remember that He is always faithful in the midst of everything else that goes on in life.

In comparison to the Creator of the Universe my gifts are nothing and I just need to learn to trust in Him who I can't always see more than the gifts that I do see. Or, maybe I need to open my eyes and heart and see more of Him in the gifts that operate every time I do what I have been called to do.

I don't know. It's all feels a bit ridiculous and messy right now but I have hope that things will be clear in the future.

B.

Little B in the backseat

Tonight I made my dad drive back home from the lake and for the first time in a very long I sat in the backseat when we got closer to our house. The whole way home I was acting completely ridiculous and sticking my head out the window and telling the other person in the backseat to do the same because it seemed so random and fun. I couldnt understand what it was that was making me so crazy until I got home. I was a kid again. I was in the backseat of a car with my dad driving and acting like a complete fool, and it was great, just like a kid.
Recently I have recognized that I continue to have childlike outbursts where I just act like I'm 7 again. I think part of it is my own repressed childlike spirit trying escape from spending way too many moments as a kid playing an adutls role and the other part is simply that I'm always working around kids, which is probably why its easier for me to talk with kids than adults sometimes. I know it isn't a bad thing being as ridicuouslly childlike as I can be but sometimes it does get in the way when I accidently want to respond to a situation or  soemthing the way I would if I was a kid. In a way I think that I spend my time being an adult that contains the heart of a child in order to make up for my past being a child with the heart of an adult.bit in genral i think that being an adult is all relative and too many adults spend way too much time being an adult and far too little time being children. I know that there is a balance somewhere in all of this but I personally have no idea how to get there. Who knows maybe we are all supposed to be a bit more ridiculously childlike and less like stressed out, end of the world sulking, worried, adults. This is how I was created, or at least how the creator has directed my life to becoming, and I may struggle with my ability to build relationships with adults but I trust that I'm at least moving in the right seriously ridiculous direction.

"sigh"
B.

Now I say, "I'm 26."

It is honestly the weirdest thing for me to think about being in my mid-twenties. I don't even know how to feel or think about it. I don't look or feel like I am even close to being the age that I am. As a matter of fact, I feel like I have regressed in years instead of getting older and more mature. I think that I have just become more and more like a kid in these past couple years. I think the fact that people still tell me that I look like I am  17-21. I actually got carded recently when buying a scratcher at 7-11. The lady at the counter didn't believe me when I told her I was old. But, at this point in my life I don't mind being called much younger than I actually am.

Anyway, so I hate birthdays. I mean I really don't like having a birthday. Don't get me wrong I like presents, parties, friends and stuff but the attention is really hard for me to handle and there are lots of crazy things that always happened around my birthday that were not very good. So, every year around my birthday no matter how cool the party is I always seemed to get depressed and I think this is the first year that I began to realize why. It all stems from not understand or knowing how to receive love from others. I don't really know completely why that is but I think it has helped me to recognize why I like to be alone around that time. It is all a learning process and I know that in this next year I will probably grow more in that area, or at least attempt to.

It was weird being 25 and it is even weirder being 26 but I am glad that I God did so many things in my life this last year and it will be interesting to see what He does in this coming year. I still struggle with the same things that I did when i turned 25 and I still have a huge vision for the community that I am working in but my goal this year is to take one day at a time. I don't want to rush into anything and i don't want to take on a whole bunch of things that could weigh me down. I want to do only what I need to do and nothing more. I know right!!! A simple yet Ridiculous idea. We'll see how well I do this next year.

B.

A Very Interesting Dream

I woke up this morning from a dream that was a reflection of what God has done in my heart. In this dreaming I was working in an urban type youth ministry helping all sorts of kids and showing them love. These kids were from many different backgrounds but were all in need of one essential thing, love. So, in my dream I spent most of my time going around being a part of these kids lives and showing them love. I spent time with them, took them out to eat, went to their houses and met their parents, and went to their recitals. I was a very busy person in my dream.
Every once in a while, in this dream,  would walk past a coffee shop that had a large group of people sitting at a bunch of tables outside talking about the things that they wanted to see changed. This group of people would discuss things that they didn't like that kids had to deal with or go through by themselves. They would talk about different ways that they could make an impact on people's lives and show them love but they were always sitting down in front of the coffee shop and not doing anything. These people would sit around in a group everyday and go over all their ideas and the things they wanted to see happen but they never actually got up out of their chairs to do anything.
As I was heading on my way to see a students recital, after already having a long night working with other students, I passed by the group again and as I passed them I became so frustrated that I turned back around and started shouting at them. I told them to stop just talking about all these things that needed to be changed and get up and do something about it. I was so ridiculously mad in my dream that I  even used a few choice words that I am not sure that I would use in reality. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand these people around my age sitting around just talking about what things needed to be done and then never getting up and doing anything. I couldn't take hearing about how there were so many struggling youth who needed to be loved and given attention and seeing nothing happen. As I continued on speaking to the group on getting up and doing something they all actually stood up but some of them walked away while others were still as they stood and listened. Some of the people got really excited while others got scared. After going off for a minute I left and went to the kids recital and then I woke up.

I love youth ministry and being able to do what I do even though it costs me a lot and sometimes all I can focus on is what it is costing me but I am not the type of person who can sit around and talk about something and then never do anything. I believe very strongly that if we want to see lives changed we have to be willing to step up and do something about it rather than just talk about how things should be different. I think what made me the most angry in the dream was that the group of people were constantly talking about doing the things that I was actually doing. They couldn't understand that all they had to do was start loving people rather than sit around talking about loving people. There are too many people that I come into contact with who desperately need someone to care for, and about, them for me to sit still and just wait for something to happen, or for someone else to come and step in.
So, my encouragement is that if you really want to see something change or see people impacted then get up and do something instead of just talking about it.

You have every opportunity to change someones life by loving them like Jesus so get up and go for it.

B.