I hate asking for help. Seriously! It is one of the most difficult things for me to do in life, ESPECIALLY when it comes to finances. Maybe this sounds a bit Ridiculous to some of you but then again maybe you can relate.
I was raised with a very independent upbringing. I had to learn to take care of myself and others. I was taught that one needs to work and provide for themselves and not rely on anyone else to look out for them. Being the oldest meant lots of responsibilities that tended to squash out my childhood and bring me into an early adulthood, of course I have digressed back towards a more childlike nature now. Both of my grandparents and even my dad are very independent people and do not like to rely on other people to help them out and even my grandma has been struggling with getting older because she has to rely on others more for help. Now I am sure this is all a pride issue. Right? Or, maybe it has to do with the fact that I really have a hard time trusting people? Honestly I think it is both. It has only been in recent years that I have realized how little I actually trust others and even God. I keep every person at an arms length because I don't want to get hurt. I let others in a little and then shut them out when they get too close. And, when it comes to needing help I instantly think that nobody will actually help (ok well i do know a couple who would do anything if they could). But here I am in this place where I am needing God and needing others trusting that He will provide financially for me to do the thing that I believe that He has called me to do and that I haven't just made up out of an emotional response. It is an extremely humbling feeling handing someone a support letter or mailing it out knowing that they probably will read it. They will know that I need help and maybe even think that I am going to become one of those "k-love" type begging for support persons. When I start to think about stupid things like that i have to remember that I am simply doing what I believe God has called me to do and I am only sending people letters who I believe are suppose to get them and praying that they will do whatever God wants them to do and think no less of me for sending them the letter. (I also have to remind myself that I am not doing what I am doing because of what others might think of me because that is fear of man and I don't live to please others I live to follow Christ and Him alone.)
Being humbled sucks. It is like this feeling where the protective layers or your heart have been pulled away and your left open and vulnerable but still trying to keep up your last defenses in case someone says or does something that could hurt you. God wants to pull away every layer that we have placed up around us and He wants us to lean on Him as our defense. He is our hope, our love, and our faith. But He has also called us in to community with others. God could very well just drop a billion, a million, or a hundred thousand dollars in my lap randomly, (thats what I'm praying for) but I don't think He will because I believe that He has called me to humble myself and ask others to pray and partner with me in what God wants to do in Shasta Lake. So, I am learning more in trusting God and in trusting others.
Seriously why does it have to be so Ridiculously hard?
B
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