I hate asking for help. Seriously! It is one of the most difficult things for me to do in life, ESPECIALLY when it comes to finances. Maybe this sounds a bit Ridiculous to some of you but then again maybe you can relate.
I was raised with a very independent upbringing. I had to learn to take care of myself and others. I was taught that one needs to work and provide for themselves and not rely on anyone else to look out for them. Being the oldest meant lots of responsibilities that tended to squash out my childhood and bring me into an early adulthood, of course I have digressed back towards a more childlike nature now. Both of my grandparents and even my dad are very independent people and do not like to rely on other people to help them out and even my grandma has been struggling with getting older because she has to rely on others more for help. Now I am sure this is all a pride issue. Right? Or, maybe it has to do with the fact that I really have a hard time trusting people? Honestly I think it is both. It has only been in recent years that I have realized how little I actually trust others and even God. I keep every person at an arms length because I don't want to get hurt. I let others in a little and then shut them out when they get too close. And, when it comes to needing help I instantly think that nobody will actually help (ok well i do know a couple who would do anything if they could). But here I am in this place where I am needing God and needing others trusting that He will provide financially for me to do the thing that I believe that He has called me to do and that I haven't just made up out of an emotional response. It is an extremely humbling feeling handing someone a support letter or mailing it out knowing that they probably will read it. They will know that I need help and maybe even think that I am going to become one of those "k-love" type begging for support persons. When I start to think about stupid things like that i have to remember that I am simply doing what I believe God has called me to do and I am only sending people letters who I believe are suppose to get them and praying that they will do whatever God wants them to do and think no less of me for sending them the letter. (I also have to remind myself that I am not doing what I am doing because of what others might think of me because that is fear of man and I don't live to please others I live to follow Christ and Him alone.)
Being humbled sucks. It is like this feeling where the protective layers or your heart have been pulled away and your left open and vulnerable but still trying to keep up your last defenses in case someone says or does something that could hurt you. God wants to pull away every layer that we have placed up around us and He wants us to lean on Him as our defense. He is our hope, our love, and our faith. But He has also called us in to community with others. God could very well just drop a billion, a million, or a hundred thousand dollars in my lap randomly, (thats what I'm praying for) but I don't think He will because I believe that He has called me to humble myself and ask others to pray and partner with me in what God wants to do in Shasta Lake. So, I am learning more in trusting God and in trusting others.
Seriously why does it have to be so Ridiculously hard?
B
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
The end of a 4 year blessing and the beginning of a new Adventure.
Life is a Seriously Ridiculous rollercoaster. Imagine all the ups and downs and backs and forths and times you said, "I will never do this" or "I am done with that" and still you find yourself coming back to that very same thing. This has happened to me in a couple of areas. First off after working at Dairy Queen for a year I said I would never do it again. It wasn't that I wasn't blessed by the job or that I wasn't thankful but I really did not like it all that much and had no desire to go back. And still, over and over God called me back there. He provided for me through the work that I did at Dairy Queen and blessed me with great employers who welcomed be back with open arms and who were sad every time I left for a short time. Now, God called me to quit that job and take a leap of faith and go back to another thing that I said I would never return to.
So second, I was a youth pastor at a little church in Shasta Lake City for over 2 years. It was the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. I struggled with more with church, faith, and following christ during and after my venture. I came out a lot more educated but extremely exhausted and burnt out. After talking with the head pastor on a Sunday morning he was telling me that I had to do whatever God called me to do and that might even include coming back out to Shasta Lake again and screaming in my mind was this one thought, "I will never come back out here." Well never say never. God gave me a vision for the youth of Shasta Lake City 4 years ago and during my time away from being a Youth Pastor He only enlarged it. I also have struggled a lot in my faith and my walk with the Lord in really deciding how I want to live my life. And, when God had divinely orchestrated everything together to bring forth the opportunity for me to step back in to a Youth Pastor role alongside a team of people I love and respect very much I decided to follow Jesus. So now I am leaving a job that I said I would never return to that I came back to time after to time to trust God and follow Him to do Youth Ministry in a community and at a church that I said I would never go back to.
Sometimes the way God works is Seriously Ridiculous.
I have no idea how my bills will be paid but I know this, God has always provided for me whether it be through a part time job, random checks in the mail, or other people listening to the voice of God and supporting me financially as he has lead, my bills have always been paid.
So here I go. I'm taking this leap. I am excited and terrified and at the same time full of hope and peace knowing and believing that I serve the one who fills us until we are full and provides beyond what we think that we need.
Pastor B
haha pastor thats funny...
So second, I was a youth pastor at a little church in Shasta Lake City for over 2 years. It was the most difficult thing that I have ever done in my life. I struggled with more with church, faith, and following christ during and after my venture. I came out a lot more educated but extremely exhausted and burnt out. After talking with the head pastor on a Sunday morning he was telling me that I had to do whatever God called me to do and that might even include coming back out to Shasta Lake again and screaming in my mind was this one thought, "I will never come back out here." Well never say never. God gave me a vision for the youth of Shasta Lake City 4 years ago and during my time away from being a Youth Pastor He only enlarged it. I also have struggled a lot in my faith and my walk with the Lord in really deciding how I want to live my life. And, when God had divinely orchestrated everything together to bring forth the opportunity for me to step back in to a Youth Pastor role alongside a team of people I love and respect very much I decided to follow Jesus. So now I am leaving a job that I said I would never return to that I came back to time after to time to trust God and follow Him to do Youth Ministry in a community and at a church that I said I would never go back to.
Sometimes the way God works is Seriously Ridiculous.
I have no idea how my bills will be paid but I know this, God has always provided for me whether it be through a part time job, random checks in the mail, or other people listening to the voice of God and supporting me financially as he has lead, my bills have always been paid.
So here I go. I'm taking this leap. I am excited and terrified and at the same time full of hope and peace knowing and believing that I serve the one who fills us until we are full and provides beyond what we think that we need.
Pastor B
haha pastor thats funny...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
To The End of The Earth and Back Again... A Blessed Journey
When I started college over 4 years ago I also became a Youth Pastor at a small church in Shasta Lake City called Calvary Chapel and after over 2 years of great experiences and difficult lessons and amazing blessings I stepped down. Now 2 years after stepping out I find myself back at the same place ministering to the same students in a much larger capacity. Now that is SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS!
Have you ever said to yourself, I'm never doing that again? Well be careful because God may call you back to the very thing you said no towards.
2 years ago I left a position at Calvary Chapel in Shasta Lake as Youth Pastor because God had been leading me towards a different area. Upon leaving I was lonely, burnt out, tired, blessed, and yet I never wanted to work at a church again, most definitely not as a Youth Pastor. And again here I am back at the same church working with a different group of people, under different leadership, carrying an even larger vision than before, and thankful for every thing I have gone through in the past 2 years to get me ready to come back to this position.
Shortly after leaving the church I wound up back at little country church helping out in the High School minstry again. It was much different during that time then in the past when I was just a small group leader and an intercessor. I was teaching a couple of times a month and meeting with students every week and working at DQ. My time back at Little Country became a time of healing for me. I needed some real healing and refreshing from all that I had gone through and I was able to find a portion of that while working in the high school ministry and attending Simpson. Then I co-lead a team with one of my closest friends to Australia. What a life changing trip showing me how God has called me to not only be a youth leader here in my own country but that He has called me to be a world youth leader, to impact the youth of the world and not just of the nation (which is still pretty huge). I also was able to attend a National Youth Workers Convention where i was given so many tools and felt like I was really being ministered to and God gave me so much confidence in Him and help me be secure in who I am in Him. So much happened in me that year it was crazy and yet in 2009 as I got closer and closer to graduating it was like everything was falling apart again.
It is a difficult feeling to describe when you get to a point in your relationship with God after doing some amazing things and seeing Him move in such amazing ways and yet you just want to stop living for Him and start living for the self. I stopped saying God what is your will and started saying "God what about me." I became lost and confused. I reached a point in my life again where it seemed absolutely pointless to keep doing what I was doing in terms of ministry because I couldn't give up the life I living in secret and the things that I was longing for. So I stepped out of ministry, took out all venues for accountability, and become completely obsorbed with self. I spent a lot of time being angry. I was angry at myself and angry at God. I tried isolating myself from others and just doing whatever I felt like doing but I remember saying one morning to God before I taught a group of High School students at Little Country, "God no matter what happens don't let me go." The funny thing is, He actually listened. The more I tried to run from Him the more I felt Him pulling me back in to Himself. It is hard to run very far when He is calling your name.
So in the midst of all of this and feeling like I didn't have any purpose I began to remember the one vision that God had given me for the city of Shasta Lake and from that point I began to feel God stirring me and pulling me towards something I couldn't explain but I knew it was bigger than myself. I held on to that vision and went for walks in Shasta Lake city and began to dream new ideas and visions for the city and what I wanted to see happen with the youth. I only told a couple of people the vision that God had given me for the city. I had no idea how the vision I had would work out but God had told me that I couldn't do it by myself and that I needed a team to go out in Shasta Lake in order for it to work. Little did I know that God was working on a lot of hearts of other people for the same city. Later I told a couple of people the vision I had for Shasta Lake and starting a Youth Center and all that it encompassed and how I knew it had to be a team of people and that it was what I was going to do. I told them I didn't know how I was going to do it or how it was all going to work out but that it was what I was called to do.
Maybe a month later I recieved a call from an excited person telling me that he was going to be stepping in as Pastor for 7 weeks and teaching and that it might become a permanet thing and he wanted me to pray about becoming youth pastor. It was a very short prayer for me. Then about 4 weeks later I was actually announced as the churches youth pastor because the guy who had been doing it stepped down. The very next week I called all of my old students in Shasta Lake and had a group of 11 students show up and it has been a very consistent and growing group of students and I am absolutely thankful and blessed by each and every one of them. 4 years ago when I started a youth ministry at this same church there were 3 kids and now restarting another youth ministry from scratch there is a much larger group.
God has blessed me so much and soon I will be quitting my job and asking everyone I know for support to do this full time as I start working on an after school program where kids can come get food and help on homework for free at the church building. But that is a whole other blog, and a support letter. ; )
There is no end to the goodness and faithfulness of God. Even with a member of our family dealing with cancer we have faith in Him who is greater and lives within us than he who is in the world. Our God is Seriously Ridiculous.
-B
Have you ever said to yourself, I'm never doing that again? Well be careful because God may call you back to the very thing you said no towards.
2 years ago I left a position at Calvary Chapel in Shasta Lake as Youth Pastor because God had been leading me towards a different area. Upon leaving I was lonely, burnt out, tired, blessed, and yet I never wanted to work at a church again, most definitely not as a Youth Pastor. And again here I am back at the same church working with a different group of people, under different leadership, carrying an even larger vision than before, and thankful for every thing I have gone through in the past 2 years to get me ready to come back to this position.
Shortly after leaving the church I wound up back at little country church helping out in the High School minstry again. It was much different during that time then in the past when I was just a small group leader and an intercessor. I was teaching a couple of times a month and meeting with students every week and working at DQ. My time back at Little Country became a time of healing for me. I needed some real healing and refreshing from all that I had gone through and I was able to find a portion of that while working in the high school ministry and attending Simpson. Then I co-lead a team with one of my closest friends to Australia. What a life changing trip showing me how God has called me to not only be a youth leader here in my own country but that He has called me to be a world youth leader, to impact the youth of the world and not just of the nation (which is still pretty huge). I also was able to attend a National Youth Workers Convention where i was given so many tools and felt like I was really being ministered to and God gave me so much confidence in Him and help me be secure in who I am in Him. So much happened in me that year it was crazy and yet in 2009 as I got closer and closer to graduating it was like everything was falling apart again.
It is a difficult feeling to describe when you get to a point in your relationship with God after doing some amazing things and seeing Him move in such amazing ways and yet you just want to stop living for Him and start living for the self. I stopped saying God what is your will and started saying "God what about me." I became lost and confused. I reached a point in my life again where it seemed absolutely pointless to keep doing what I was doing in terms of ministry because I couldn't give up the life I living in secret and the things that I was longing for. So I stepped out of ministry, took out all venues for accountability, and become completely obsorbed with self. I spent a lot of time being angry. I was angry at myself and angry at God. I tried isolating myself from others and just doing whatever I felt like doing but I remember saying one morning to God before I taught a group of High School students at Little Country, "God no matter what happens don't let me go." The funny thing is, He actually listened. The more I tried to run from Him the more I felt Him pulling me back in to Himself. It is hard to run very far when He is calling your name.
So in the midst of all of this and feeling like I didn't have any purpose I began to remember the one vision that God had given me for the city of Shasta Lake and from that point I began to feel God stirring me and pulling me towards something I couldn't explain but I knew it was bigger than myself. I held on to that vision and went for walks in Shasta Lake city and began to dream new ideas and visions for the city and what I wanted to see happen with the youth. I only told a couple of people the vision that God had given me for the city. I had no idea how the vision I had would work out but God had told me that I couldn't do it by myself and that I needed a team to go out in Shasta Lake in order for it to work. Little did I know that God was working on a lot of hearts of other people for the same city. Later I told a couple of people the vision I had for Shasta Lake and starting a Youth Center and all that it encompassed and how I knew it had to be a team of people and that it was what I was going to do. I told them I didn't know how I was going to do it or how it was all going to work out but that it was what I was called to do.
Maybe a month later I recieved a call from an excited person telling me that he was going to be stepping in as Pastor for 7 weeks and teaching and that it might become a permanet thing and he wanted me to pray about becoming youth pastor. It was a very short prayer for me. Then about 4 weeks later I was actually announced as the churches youth pastor because the guy who had been doing it stepped down. The very next week I called all of my old students in Shasta Lake and had a group of 11 students show up and it has been a very consistent and growing group of students and I am absolutely thankful and blessed by each and every one of them. 4 years ago when I started a youth ministry at this same church there were 3 kids and now restarting another youth ministry from scratch there is a much larger group.
God has blessed me so much and soon I will be quitting my job and asking everyone I know for support to do this full time as I start working on an after school program where kids can come get food and help on homework for free at the church building. But that is a whole other blog, and a support letter. ; )
There is no end to the goodness and faithfulness of God. Even with a member of our family dealing with cancer we have faith in Him who is greater and lives within us than he who is in the world. Our God is Seriously Ridiculous.
-B
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