Heavy Heart and Muddy Thoughts

Here it is about 4am and I am still wide awake. At one point I was tired but I think what I mistook for being tired was my heart just being heavy. I have prayed and talked to God about the random things going on in my head but am still awake so now I think I will try writing it all out.

I feel like people don't really understand what it is I do and why I do what I do so in this blog I am going to try and explain it briefly. The format to this might be a bit different but I think going in question answer form might help me.

Brandon what is it you do?

Well there are actually a number of things that I do. My actual title is Youth Director even though I feel that I am more of a follower than a director because what I really do is follow the Holy Spirit as He guides and directs me. I spend a lot of time with students, junior high and high school. I find ways to connect with students any way that I possibly can which means attending sporting events, school functions, extracurricular activities, graduations, and other random happenings; also, I hang out with students individually or in small groups by taking them out to eat or hanging out somewhere like the church and just playing games. The whole point of doing this is to minister to each individual student. I want students to know that they are loved and cared for and that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them more than they could ever imagine. I want students to see Jesus. I want them to see how real Christ is and for them to know His love for them personally. So, I get involved in their lives because that is what Jesus would do, and actually still does. Getting involved in students lives also means knowing the things that are happening with them and their family. Many students who think I know a lot of what is going on don't realize how little I actually know but then there are other students who don't think I know very much of what is going on in their lives and I actually know quite a bit. This is where my heart gets heavy. Being involved on both the high school and junior high campus in different capacities and ministering in a church brings me into contact with many different students and I hear all sorts of stories and many of them break my heart. I do occasionally plan events and stress out a bit over other random responsibilities I currently have at the church, even leading worship and teaching adults and get a bit stressful at times, but nothing makes me feel heavier than hearing the stories these kids have to tell.  So very simply put I minister to people, mostly youth, as the Lord brings them or leads me to them and I listen, I pray, I give advice, I laugh, I cry, I open my home, I buy dinner, and I even give driving lessons from time to time.

Why do you do this?

Because God has called me to. Calling is where your deep joy and your communities deep need meet a professor at Simpson said in one of my classes and as heavy as it can be listening to hard stories it brings me great joy knowing that I am being used by God to fulfill a deep need.

Why Shasta Lake City?

That is a very good question and sometimes I ask myself that too. I know I can do ministry like this anywhere in the world and I believe that God has called me to minister to youth of the nations but my mission field is Shasta Lake City. I don't need to go to YWAM for training or travel to Kansas City to grow more in Christ, God did not call me to those things, my work and training is taking place right where I am at. It was hard deciding to come back to Shasta Lake City after previously being a youth pastor in the same church and struggling but in the end God brought me back. If I was to do something else I probably would have gone to YWAM and done a DTS but God spoke to me that where I am at is where He wants me to be and it is where He is going to train me and teach me how to train others. God gave me vision and a heart for the youth and the people of the city of Shasta Lake almost 5 years ago and as God has increased my vision I see Him beginning to bring to fruition the things that He showed me. Besides, why would I travel to work with hurting people on the other side of the world when there are so many people hurting and struggling 13 miles from my house. Seriously though, I love to travel and wanted to go somewhere else in the world so bad, and sometimes I still really want to, but Shasta Lake City is where God has lead me and it is where I will remain until He leads me elsewhere.

How do you afford to do this full time without being paid?

In December of 2009 I was working at Dairy Queen while being the youth director in Shasta Lake and God asked me one thing "do you trust me?" He told me that if I trusted Him I would stop waiting to decide when  I would quit my job and just do it: so I did. I quit my job and the Lord led me send out a ton of support letters asking people to help sponsor me for at least a year. God has been faithful. It has been very difficult at times and I have had late payments and made a bunch of cut backs but my bills get paid. I am still praying for more sponsors as I am still a bit short for what I need to pay my bills but I am not too worried cause God honestly always provides. I often think about working part time again or just do something that would help me make enough to pay some other bills and have a little extra spending cash but how would that be trusting God if I did that?

How can I be praying for you?

Honestly one of the biggest things right now is finding a place to stay in Shasta Lake City. I don't have any money to get a place but I believe God wants me to move out there and to live in the place where I am a missionary. I know He will make it happen as He who has lead me to even start praying for this and I know that if I ever did have a place to stay there it would have to be completely from God. This is nothing that I can make happen: He has to do it.
Also, for continued financial support and not just for me personally but the ministry as a whole, for continual protection from the enemy, for continual guidance of the Holy Spirit, and an increase of strength and boldness to do the things God has called me to do.

How can I pray for the people you minister to?

Here is where I will give you a list of my heavy heart and you can pray however you are lead.
My heart is heavy for students who don't feel loved or cared for.
My heart is heavy for the students caught in the middle of their parent's struggles.
My heart is heavy for students who have taken up the responsibility of parenting themselves.
My heart is heavy for the parents who don't know what to do with their struggling child.
My heart is heavy for parents who are raising a child on their own.
My heart is heavy for parents who are struggling in their relationships with their spouses.
My heart is heavy for students who might have never met their real parents.
My heart is heavy for students growing up in hostile situations.
My heart is heavy for students who feel completely alone.
My heart is heavy for parents who have to make difficult decisions.
My heart is heavy for students who don't understand the reality of drugs or alcohol and the cyclical pattern they produce.
My heart is heavy for students who don't understand real intimacy.
My heart is heavy for families dealing with terminal illnesses.
My heart is heavy because there is nothing I can personally do to change each and every one of these situations expect pray.


My heart may be heavy and my thoughts a bit muddy but I am blessed to be where I am and who I am no matter how difficult it gets. This is Seriously Ridiculous.

B.

I don't want to just be comfortable but I don't want to be uncomfortable...

Somehow it sneaks its way in. One day you are passionate, excited, and walking out your faith in dangerous wonder and then later on you find yourself not wanting to move from where you are at. Slowly but surely that passion and excitement can get drowned out by the pretend peaceful silence which draws us in to keep us from wanting to move. Why move or do anything risky or dangerous when everything is just going okay? What is the point of stepping out and purposefully making yourself uncomfortable?


I think I have recently reached a point in my heart where I have recognized that I have been walking in a "comfortable" relationship with Christ. Yes I have taken some big steps in trusting God with finances but that isn't the only step that He has called me to take. Years ago God gave me a vision for the youth in Shasta Lake and for the city itself and He has brought me to a place where I can begin to work on the things that He called me to but I am afraid to lose my comfort. Now, I would be lying if I said that everything up to this point has been comfortable serving out in Shasta Lake because it definitely hasn't, however, I find myself unwilling to take further steps towards the things that I want to see happen in Shasta Lake City.

(Everything that I am typing down is simply things that I have been processing recently and trying to type it all up late at night isn't really working so I'm just going to leave this off with the basics.)

I know what needs to take place in order for me to get out of my comfort zone - I actually have to take the step forward. I remember when i was in Australia and we went out into the major shopping area and did some street bible reading. It was probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life, and it really shouldn't have been. I stood and listened to my friend read her favorite scripture out loud, and when I say loud I mean loud, as tons of people kept passing by and then explain why it was her favorite verse. I knew I would have to go next so I picked my favorite portion of scripture from Romans 8 and began to read out loud. I was so uncomfortable and afraid but I didn't let it stop me from reading it out as loud as I could without actually shouting. And, I remember as I was reading this sort of freedom came over me and what had made me scared and uncomfortable began to excite me so I pressed on to why it was my favorite portion of scripture. It was a thrilling and exciting experience that I am so glad I was able to do even though it did cause a couple of random aboriginal men to come and stand right behind me, almost touching me, as they were trying to figure out what I was saying. Somehow I need to get myself to take that step forward and be willing to put myself in those positions again. I don't mean that I need to go out and read the Bible in public all the time but that I need to be willing to step out and do the things that scare me, that make me uncomfortable, and that cause my faith in the God of all possibilities to increase.

Who knows maybe God will lead me to read the bible out loud in a random public setting again, that would be Seriously Ridiculous.

B.

Seriously I need to blog in the day. It is way to late for me to re-read this to make sure I didn't mess up.