Don't Expect Much From Me

I don't claim to be anything special or anyone important. I don't pretend that I am super holy or pure. I don't view things in a politically conservative fashion or even have much of a conservative world-view. I am just me and sometimes I have to make hard decision and I hate making them.

Within the last month I have wrestled with the decision of stepping down from a ministry that I have now stepped down from twice in my life. The Week before and the week that I actually made the decision in my own heart I felt more like a failure then I have in an extremely long time. I was super depressed and would be at peace and confident one moment and then completely and utterly broken the next.

There are many things I could say or reasons I could come up with about why I stepped down but the main reason is that I believe it is what I am suppose to do. The Creator of Heaven and Earth speaks in very different ways at different points in my life and right now I see His hand on the decision I have made. That being said, it doesn't make the decision any easier and I imagine that different people will make up their own excuses or say different things about me and the decision I made. Personally, I don't care.

Like I wrote earlier, I don't claim or pretend to be something I am not. If you ask me a question I'll give you an honest answer as gently as I possibly can. I will never pretend or make my life out to seem as though I have it all together. I struggle in my faith in God and my spiritual walk can be a bit messy at times but I continue to walk nonetheless. No matter what happens or what choices I make in my life I will continue to walk in faith as best I can. All that I have to offer is this Seriously Messy Spirituality that has me standing, sitting, or walking depending on where I am at in life. Which means, you can't expect much from me because there is not much that I can offer, other than myself and the Christ within me.
So....
Here I am, divinely chosen by the Creator who has grace enough for me to do His Will and who expects no more from me than that which He chooses to work within me and through me.

How Seriously and Ridiculously blessed I have been to be asked by Him to work in a community full of broken and hurting youth that His heart yearns for and that I have come to deeply care for.

B.A.

My Honesty May Offend You

At this season and point in my life I would have to say that I am honestly and completely tired of dealing with the same things over and over. I am tired of being burnt and becoming burnt out. I don't even know what to do anymore other than just hold on with the little bit of faith that I have.

My faith in the Heavenly Father isn't what is being lost. My faith in people and working in a church is what is wavering. Over and over not matter where I go or what I do I always wind up dealing with the same things and I am so overwhelmed with the resurfacing of emotions that I am ready to just be done. 

I am the type of person that can take a lot of abuse or being overlooked or taken advantage of but I am tired of having every expectation crushed and statements made to me about how things will be turned into a lie. 

Maybe part of my problem is that I have such high expectations for what working and being a part of a church should look like that when none of what I want to see take place happening I get frustrated and want to quit. Maybe I need more grace. Or, maybe I need more patience. I am not really sure what it is that I need but at this point in my life I am ready to work in a different environment. 

I know this may be a shock to some people but that is simply cause I don't where my emotions on my sleeve and don't make a big deal out of things very often but this is honestly where I am at and what I am dealing with. 

What does all of this mean for my future and what happens in Shasta Lake? Only God really knows. He knows how I feel and what is really going on in my life and what I am struggling with. I am committed to do the things that He has called me to but it doesn't always look the way that we original expect it to look which means that I could be doing something very similar to what I am doing now but in a different capacity. Right now I am just overwhelmed by how many kids are hurting and dealing with so many families that aren't unified that I don't want to be a part of a ministry or setting where I am disconnected from everything and everyone else because then kids are experiencing the same thing they get at home in a different location. 

It is all a bit Ridiculous and it is Seriously Ridiculous that I would go through very similar things all over again but I know there is one who is always faithful even when I am faithless. Thank goodness for that. 

B.A.