Don't Expect Much From Me

I don't claim to be anything special or anyone important. I don't pretend that I am super holy or pure. I don't view things in a politically conservative fashion or even have much of a conservative world-view. I am just me and sometimes I have to make hard decision and I hate making them.

Within the last month I have wrestled with the decision of stepping down from a ministry that I have now stepped down from twice in my life. The Week before and the week that I actually made the decision in my own heart I felt more like a failure then I have in an extremely long time. I was super depressed and would be at peace and confident one moment and then completely and utterly broken the next.

There are many things I could say or reasons I could come up with about why I stepped down but the main reason is that I believe it is what I am suppose to do. The Creator of Heaven and Earth speaks in very different ways at different points in my life and right now I see His hand on the decision I have made. That being said, it doesn't make the decision any easier and I imagine that different people will make up their own excuses or say different things about me and the decision I made. Personally, I don't care.

Like I wrote earlier, I don't claim or pretend to be something I am not. If you ask me a question I'll give you an honest answer as gently as I possibly can. I will never pretend or make my life out to seem as though I have it all together. I struggle in my faith in God and my spiritual walk can be a bit messy at times but I continue to walk nonetheless. No matter what happens or what choices I make in my life I will continue to walk in faith as best I can. All that I have to offer is this Seriously Messy Spirituality that has me standing, sitting, or walking depending on where I am at in life. Which means, you can't expect much from me because there is not much that I can offer, other than myself and the Christ within me.
So....
Here I am, divinely chosen by the Creator who has grace enough for me to do His Will and who expects no more from me than that which He chooses to work within me and through me.

How Seriously and Ridiculously blessed I have been to be asked by Him to work in a community full of broken and hurting youth that His heart yearns for and that I have come to deeply care for.

B.A.

My Honesty May Offend You

At this season and point in my life I would have to say that I am honestly and completely tired of dealing with the same things over and over. I am tired of being burnt and becoming burnt out. I don't even know what to do anymore other than just hold on with the little bit of faith that I have.

My faith in the Heavenly Father isn't what is being lost. My faith in people and working in a church is what is wavering. Over and over not matter where I go or what I do I always wind up dealing with the same things and I am so overwhelmed with the resurfacing of emotions that I am ready to just be done. 

I am the type of person that can take a lot of abuse or being overlooked or taken advantage of but I am tired of having every expectation crushed and statements made to me about how things will be turned into a lie. 

Maybe part of my problem is that I have such high expectations for what working and being a part of a church should look like that when none of what I want to see take place happening I get frustrated and want to quit. Maybe I need more grace. Or, maybe I need more patience. I am not really sure what it is that I need but at this point in my life I am ready to work in a different environment. 

I know this may be a shock to some people but that is simply cause I don't where my emotions on my sleeve and don't make a big deal out of things very often but this is honestly where I am at and what I am dealing with. 

What does all of this mean for my future and what happens in Shasta Lake? Only God really knows. He knows how I feel and what is really going on in my life and what I am struggling with. I am committed to do the things that He has called me to but it doesn't always look the way that we original expect it to look which means that I could be doing something very similar to what I am doing now but in a different capacity. Right now I am just overwhelmed by how many kids are hurting and dealing with so many families that aren't unified that I don't want to be a part of a ministry or setting where I am disconnected from everything and everyone else because then kids are experiencing the same thing they get at home in a different location. 

It is all a bit Ridiculous and it is Seriously Ridiculous that I would go through very similar things all over again but I know there is one who is always faithful even when I am faithless. Thank goodness for that. 

B.A.

Grace Undefinable

Who can define a grace that loves beyond actions so terrible and desires nothing more than to forgive?

For thousands of years the grace of God has been at work all over the world in the lives of those who have chosen to place their faith in Him. Kings whose hearts sought after an all powerful God also found themselves with multiple wives and concubines found grace from God even after committing acts of murder and adultery. Women who committed all sorts of sexual sins including prostitution found a grace that looked beyond their life choices. God seeks to forgive and poor out His grace and all mankind and all it takes is faith Him. It is only an illusion for us to pretend that the world is getting worse or that more people are committing more terrible sins than ever before when throughout the history of the world these kinds of things have always been present. The amazing thing is that in the midst of all of our cultural, societal, and moral sins is a God who seeks to poor out His grace upon a people who will choose to place their faith in Him. This God has made it very apparent that there is no single sin that can withstand His loving grace which is waiting in anticipation to be poured out upon a willing heart. 

No matter how our society or culture changes and what we decide is acceptable and unacceptable the love and grace of God always remains the same. No boundaries can be placed on a grace so great that is poured out upon those whom an uncontrollable, loving God chooses. 

B.A.

Trusting The Gift Giver

Here is a sort of random lesson that I learned today as I was reading a book called "Getting Fired for the Glory of God."

Every person has been given certain gifts and abilities that coincide with their identity and who God has created them to be. Over the years I have learned what gifts God has given me and what things I am good at and what I am not so good at. One thing that I didn't learn was how to keep myself from trusting so much in my ability or gifts that I forget to place my trust in the one who has given me the gifts. It is in this ridiculous state of being able to trust my gifts and having a hard time trusting in the giver of the gifts that I find myself now.
It doesn't seem to make much sense to me in my head how I got this way when I know where it is that my gifts have come from. No matter the reasons for how I got here, I need to get out. I can't stand being worried or frustrated or stressed out over things that I don't have control over. I don't like feeling like a failure or a loner or a child. I want to trust in Jesus, the one who I believe died on the cross to redeem all of creation and bring me the freedom to live an abundant life. There are definitely very specific issues and events in my life that have made trusting in God more difficult but nothing could take away my faith that God is love and God is just. So, no matter what experiences I have gone through or what I deal with I will continue believe that God is love. Maybe, instead of just believing that God is love I need to trust in His love and remember that He is always faithful in the midst of everything else that goes on in life.

In comparison to the Creator of the Universe my gifts are nothing and I just need to learn to trust in Him who I can't always see more than the gifts that I do see. Or, maybe I need to open my eyes and heart and see more of Him in the gifts that operate every time I do what I have been called to do.

I don't know. It's all feels a bit ridiculous and messy right now but I have hope that things will be clear in the future.

B.

Little B in the backseat

Tonight I made my dad drive back home from the lake and for the first time in a very long I sat in the backseat when we got closer to our house. The whole way home I was acting completely ridiculous and sticking my head out the window and telling the other person in the backseat to do the same because it seemed so random and fun. I couldnt understand what it was that was making me so crazy until I got home. I was a kid again. I was in the backseat of a car with my dad driving and acting like a complete fool, and it was great, just like a kid.
Recently I have recognized that I continue to have childlike outbursts where I just act like I'm 7 again. I think part of it is my own repressed childlike spirit trying escape from spending way too many moments as a kid playing an adutls role and the other part is simply that I'm always working around kids, which is probably why its easier for me to talk with kids than adults sometimes. I know it isn't a bad thing being as ridicuouslly childlike as I can be but sometimes it does get in the way when I accidently want to respond to a situation or  soemthing the way I would if I was a kid. In a way I think that I spend my time being an adult that contains the heart of a child in order to make up for my past being a child with the heart of an adult.bit in genral i think that being an adult is all relative and too many adults spend way too much time being an adult and far too little time being children. I know that there is a balance somewhere in all of this but I personally have no idea how to get there. Who knows maybe we are all supposed to be a bit more ridiculously childlike and less like stressed out, end of the world sulking, worried, adults. This is how I was created, or at least how the creator has directed my life to becoming, and I may struggle with my ability to build relationships with adults but I trust that I'm at least moving in the right seriously ridiculous direction.

"sigh"
B.

Now I say, "I'm 26."

It is honestly the weirdest thing for me to think about being in my mid-twenties. I don't even know how to feel or think about it. I don't look or feel like I am even close to being the age that I am. As a matter of fact, I feel like I have regressed in years instead of getting older and more mature. I think that I have just become more and more like a kid in these past couple years. I think the fact that people still tell me that I look like I am  17-21. I actually got carded recently when buying a scratcher at 7-11. The lady at the counter didn't believe me when I told her I was old. But, at this point in my life I don't mind being called much younger than I actually am.

Anyway, so I hate birthdays. I mean I really don't like having a birthday. Don't get me wrong I like presents, parties, friends and stuff but the attention is really hard for me to handle and there are lots of crazy things that always happened around my birthday that were not very good. So, every year around my birthday no matter how cool the party is I always seemed to get depressed and I think this is the first year that I began to realize why. It all stems from not understand or knowing how to receive love from others. I don't really know completely why that is but I think it has helped me to recognize why I like to be alone around that time. It is all a learning process and I know that in this next year I will probably grow more in that area, or at least attempt to.

It was weird being 25 and it is even weirder being 26 but I am glad that I God did so many things in my life this last year and it will be interesting to see what He does in this coming year. I still struggle with the same things that I did when i turned 25 and I still have a huge vision for the community that I am working in but my goal this year is to take one day at a time. I don't want to rush into anything and i don't want to take on a whole bunch of things that could weigh me down. I want to do only what I need to do and nothing more. I know right!!! A simple yet Ridiculous idea. We'll see how well I do this next year.

B.

A Very Interesting Dream

I woke up this morning from a dream that was a reflection of what God has done in my heart. In this dreaming I was working in an urban type youth ministry helping all sorts of kids and showing them love. These kids were from many different backgrounds but were all in need of one essential thing, love. So, in my dream I spent most of my time going around being a part of these kids lives and showing them love. I spent time with them, took them out to eat, went to their houses and met their parents, and went to their recitals. I was a very busy person in my dream.
Every once in a while, in this dream,  would walk past a coffee shop that had a large group of people sitting at a bunch of tables outside talking about the things that they wanted to see changed. This group of people would discuss things that they didn't like that kids had to deal with or go through by themselves. They would talk about different ways that they could make an impact on people's lives and show them love but they were always sitting down in front of the coffee shop and not doing anything. These people would sit around in a group everyday and go over all their ideas and the things they wanted to see happen but they never actually got up out of their chairs to do anything.
As I was heading on my way to see a students recital, after already having a long night working with other students, I passed by the group again and as I passed them I became so frustrated that I turned back around and started shouting at them. I told them to stop just talking about all these things that needed to be changed and get up and do something about it. I was so ridiculously mad in my dream that I  even used a few choice words that I am not sure that I would use in reality. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand these people around my age sitting around just talking about what things needed to be done and then never getting up and doing anything. I couldn't take hearing about how there were so many struggling youth who needed to be loved and given attention and seeing nothing happen. As I continued on speaking to the group on getting up and doing something they all actually stood up but some of them walked away while others were still as they stood and listened. Some of the people got really excited while others got scared. After going off for a minute I left and went to the kids recital and then I woke up.

I love youth ministry and being able to do what I do even though it costs me a lot and sometimes all I can focus on is what it is costing me but I am not the type of person who can sit around and talk about something and then never do anything. I believe very strongly that if we want to see lives changed we have to be willing to step up and do something about it rather than just talk about how things should be different. I think what made me the most angry in the dream was that the group of people were constantly talking about doing the things that I was actually doing. They couldn't understand that all they had to do was start loving people rather than sit around talking about loving people. There are too many people that I come into contact with who desperately need someone to care for, and about, them for me to sit still and just wait for something to happen, or for someone else to come and step in.
So, my encouragement is that if you really want to see something change or see people impacted then get up and do something instead of just talking about it.

You have every opportunity to change someones life by loving them like Jesus so get up and go for it.

B.

Trusting Beyond Ourselves

One of my favorite things to do after I wake up is to sit in my bed and think about everything that I have to do during the rest of the day, week, and sometimes month. It is like my brain goes at full throttle in the morning and I all of a sudden become aware of the mass amount of things that I have going on which I somehow don't realize during the rest of the day. Take this morning for instance, I woke up and started thinking about the retreat I have to finish planning that starts in two weeks; the youth art project that comes a week after that; and what I will be talking about for church tonight. Probably what should be considered the most stressful of these things is the retreat.
In school I have planned retreats and camps and teachings and putting everything together but this is the first time that I have actually had to do it for real. I know how much work goes into planning a retreat and I know that I only have a short amount of time to finish up what I am going to do about worship, teachings, fun activities, and everything else that goes along with it but I'm not worried. I mean seriously I feel a bit rushed now to quickly try and figure things out or put things together but ultimately I am not worried about it. I have a ton of things I need to do and get done and I might be the one having to do a lot of the work but I'm not worried at all. This only comes from God.
I am completely at peace with everything that is going on and I am not stressed out at all (even though there really is a lot of stuff that I have going on right now). I started to stress out about the retreat at the beginning stage of putting it all together and God asked me one question, the same question He always asks me, "Do you trust me?" Following that He told me that He would take care of everything and that I had nothing to worry about. Okay, so if God says that I have nothing to worry about than I think it really means that I have nothing to worry about. But I don't have a worship leader. I have to plan teachings for 4 days of a retreat, I have to put together teachings for regular Sundays/Wednesday. I don't know where any of the money for the students to go to camp is going to come from. In the midst of all these things God still says, "You have nothing to worry about."
I am trusting in God to put it all together. I am trusting in God to provide the money and lead me in what He would have me do for teachings/worship/activities. If this retreat and if this ministry is something that God has called me to do than He is going to put it all together and I have nothing to worry about other than to make sure I am not sitting around being lazy and just waiting for something to happen instead of walking out in Faith.
Good thing I don't have anything to worry about because I would be pretty stressed out right now if I did.

B.

Death or Peace Which Do You Think is Better?

Romans 8:6 says “to be carnally minded is death but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.” In this scripture Paul is giving us a tool for recognizing when we take our thoughts or our minds off of Christ and spiritual things and on to worldly things. When we lose focus of God in the midst of all of our situations and His dominion over our entire lives we lose our peace and we lose our joy for life. In this life we live we deal with so many crazy situations that tempt us to take our eyes off of the Father because when we do we become overwhelmed, stressed out, afraid, or depressed. When we are walking in the Spirit those things have no hold on our lives because we are focused on the abiding presence of the living God within our hearts that gives us abundant life in the midst of our seemingly poor situations.

For me, I have to admit, it has been far too easy to take my eyes of the Creator. The enemy has distracted me with so many different things that I have lost sight of what really matters and have been caught up in the fleshly thing. Being caught up in what surrounds me has caused me to become overwhelmed, stressed out, depressed, and afraid because I have focused on the issues that have come up rather than the God who is bigger than all things. I know that in the midst of all these things God has a great calling on my life and that He loves me more than I could ever comprehend but when I get caught up in what is going on in the flesh I lose sight of all those things and all I want to do is run away from it all rather than press on towards the goal. 

So, I pray for all of us who have been distracted that God places our eyes on Him and we lose sight of the flesh.

B.

Jogging With the Sunrise

Last night I had this Ridiculous idea that I should try and go to sleep before 10pm. I don't really know what came over me. I was bored, tired, grumpy, and started to get a little bit depressed which normally means i need to go to bed because I am letting myself get overwhelmed by things that I don't really have any control over. So guess what? I went to bed at 9:30pm. I was actually really excited when i started falling asleep before 10 because I knew that I would wake up early and I thought to myself that it would be a perfect chance to get up in the morning and go jogging. I had no idea what time I would wake up but I figured it would still be nice and cool outside no matter what time i woke up. Sure enough I woke up at 5am before the sunrise and decided to go jogging right when the sun had come over the mountains.

It is amazing how the morning or the next day can bring so many new and clear perspectives to the things going on around me. Lately, it feels like every day I get overwhelmed with a heavy heart for the people or students that are around me who are dealing with tough situations and my instant reaction is to figure out a way in which I can help. The problem is I can't really do much of anything to help the situation but for some reason I have a hard time believing that. I think the reason is I want to help others so bad that I won't let myself believe that there is nothing that I can do about the situation. And this is the truth, that there is nothing that I can do about the situation but I believe and trust in a God who can.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like praying is enough. I don't know if you ever feel this way yourself but sometimes, even though I know God is big enough, I still want to do something more, I still want to try and fix the problem myself. Maybe this comes from me being the oldest and being independent but for whatever reason I find myself praying less and thinking about ways that i can help the situation. Instead, what I really need to be doing is giving ever situation and every person and their struggles over to the Lord of all Creation because He is the Heavenly Father and how much more can the Heavenly Father give than I? I mean honestly what can I really accomplish on my own strength or what can any of us accomplish without Him? Anything that I could do in comparison to what God does would pale in comparison.

So my prayer for all who are going through difficult situations is that you would see the face of the Father in every sunrise and know that He holds you in His hand and has no plan to ever let you go. And, may the God of Heaven and Earth continue to provide for you everything you need to live and follow Him everyday of your life.

B.

You Can Feel Homeless Even If You Have A House

What is life without a home, wandering from place to place with nowhere to go? No place you can call your own, no place to feel secure. Can you have hope when you have no home, when you have no love?

Home isn't necessarily the one place you go to sleep at but it is all the people your around and the atmosphere in which you feel loved and cared for. So in this context what is life without a home? I work with youth struggling with this same problem. Maybe there are people all around them that love them but then why do they not feel loved. I think many of us deal or have dealt with this same thing. We live in a society that is crowded with people who have been raised in broken homes and unhealthy environments. Even in my life there were so many times where I never felt like I had a home.

Each person has their own reasons as to why they feel this way but, as a community, do we care enough to find out the reasons why? For some of us it isn't that we don't care but we are afraid. I think what scares some of us is finding out that the kids we love or the people we love don't feel at home or cared for when they are around us. I mean, what would happen if we were part of the reason why people or youth felt like they had no home? How would you respond? If it was in your power to do something about it or change would you? It's so easy for us to push the blam on to something or someone else rather than take responsibility for our own actions and recognize that every decision we make effects the people around us. It is easy to completely ignore the effects of our decisions when we believe that we have a right to do something or when we are walking in a selfish mindset. Also, our interactions with other people effect the people around us, whether we are aware of it or not.
Take kids for example, in a household their parents relationship and interaction directly effects them. Yelling and arguing in the home increases the stress levels of the kids in the home and can cause them to being to feel isolated or alone and possibly lead to the child mimicking the parents behavior. Every interaction that parents have within a household and everything that goes on within that environment directly effects the children within the home, even if the parents don't expect it to. Similarly our interactions with others can effect those who are around us.

So, if part of why people don't feel comfortable or loved or cared for when they are around us is in part because of our interaction with others then we need to find a way to change, or at least be aware of our actions. The challenging part is finding a way to get those who are hurting to be honest with us about whatever is keeping them from feeling "at home" when they are with us. If we are the ones directly causing a person to feel as though they have no home than it is even less likely they would be honest with us. If they are our kids or one of our students it is even more difficult to get them to be hones (not in all cases of course) because they don't want to hurt us or disrespect us or make us mad or cause us to think badly about them.

One of my biggest concerns for people dealing with these kinds of situations is that rather than "listening" to what the other person, or child, has to say they become defensive . In these kinds of situations it doesn't help to get defensive or give reasons/excuses for our actions. Doing this will, or could, wind up causing a person to shut down rather than continue to be honest, especially youth. If you begin to get defensive with a kid they will shut down or you willf just find yourself getting into an argument. However unique a situation is it requires a lot of love, grace, and patience which I believe can only come from God. It would be Seriously Ridiculous for us to try and go into any type of situation like this and rely on our own wisdom and knowledge. It has to be God in us who gives us the supernatural ability to listen, love, and be honest ourselves.

So, may God help us to be quick to listen and slow to speak.

B.

Heavy Heart and Muddy Thoughts

Here it is about 4am and I am still wide awake. At one point I was tired but I think what I mistook for being tired was my heart just being heavy. I have prayed and talked to God about the random things going on in my head but am still awake so now I think I will try writing it all out.

I feel like people don't really understand what it is I do and why I do what I do so in this blog I am going to try and explain it briefly. The format to this might be a bit different but I think going in question answer form might help me.

Brandon what is it you do?

Well there are actually a number of things that I do. My actual title is Youth Director even though I feel that I am more of a follower than a director because what I really do is follow the Holy Spirit as He guides and directs me. I spend a lot of time with students, junior high and high school. I find ways to connect with students any way that I possibly can which means attending sporting events, school functions, extracurricular activities, graduations, and other random happenings; also, I hang out with students individually or in small groups by taking them out to eat or hanging out somewhere like the church and just playing games. The whole point of doing this is to minister to each individual student. I want students to know that they are loved and cared for and that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them more than they could ever imagine. I want students to see Jesus. I want them to see how real Christ is and for them to know His love for them personally. So, I get involved in their lives because that is what Jesus would do, and actually still does. Getting involved in students lives also means knowing the things that are happening with them and their family. Many students who think I know a lot of what is going on don't realize how little I actually know but then there are other students who don't think I know very much of what is going on in their lives and I actually know quite a bit. This is where my heart gets heavy. Being involved on both the high school and junior high campus in different capacities and ministering in a church brings me into contact with many different students and I hear all sorts of stories and many of them break my heart. I do occasionally plan events and stress out a bit over other random responsibilities I currently have at the church, even leading worship and teaching adults and get a bit stressful at times, but nothing makes me feel heavier than hearing the stories these kids have to tell.  So very simply put I minister to people, mostly youth, as the Lord brings them or leads me to them and I listen, I pray, I give advice, I laugh, I cry, I open my home, I buy dinner, and I even give driving lessons from time to time.

Why do you do this?

Because God has called me to. Calling is where your deep joy and your communities deep need meet a professor at Simpson said in one of my classes and as heavy as it can be listening to hard stories it brings me great joy knowing that I am being used by God to fulfill a deep need.

Why Shasta Lake City?

That is a very good question and sometimes I ask myself that too. I know I can do ministry like this anywhere in the world and I believe that God has called me to minister to youth of the nations but my mission field is Shasta Lake City. I don't need to go to YWAM for training or travel to Kansas City to grow more in Christ, God did not call me to those things, my work and training is taking place right where I am at. It was hard deciding to come back to Shasta Lake City after previously being a youth pastor in the same church and struggling but in the end God brought me back. If I was to do something else I probably would have gone to YWAM and done a DTS but God spoke to me that where I am at is where He wants me to be and it is where He is going to train me and teach me how to train others. God gave me vision and a heart for the youth and the people of the city of Shasta Lake almost 5 years ago and as God has increased my vision I see Him beginning to bring to fruition the things that He showed me. Besides, why would I travel to work with hurting people on the other side of the world when there are so many people hurting and struggling 13 miles from my house. Seriously though, I love to travel and wanted to go somewhere else in the world so bad, and sometimes I still really want to, but Shasta Lake City is where God has lead me and it is where I will remain until He leads me elsewhere.

How do you afford to do this full time without being paid?

In December of 2009 I was working at Dairy Queen while being the youth director in Shasta Lake and God asked me one thing "do you trust me?" He told me that if I trusted Him I would stop waiting to decide when  I would quit my job and just do it: so I did. I quit my job and the Lord led me send out a ton of support letters asking people to help sponsor me for at least a year. God has been faithful. It has been very difficult at times and I have had late payments and made a bunch of cut backs but my bills get paid. I am still praying for more sponsors as I am still a bit short for what I need to pay my bills but I am not too worried cause God honestly always provides. I often think about working part time again or just do something that would help me make enough to pay some other bills and have a little extra spending cash but how would that be trusting God if I did that?

How can I be praying for you?

Honestly one of the biggest things right now is finding a place to stay in Shasta Lake City. I don't have any money to get a place but I believe God wants me to move out there and to live in the place where I am a missionary. I know He will make it happen as He who has lead me to even start praying for this and I know that if I ever did have a place to stay there it would have to be completely from God. This is nothing that I can make happen: He has to do it.
Also, for continued financial support and not just for me personally but the ministry as a whole, for continual protection from the enemy, for continual guidance of the Holy Spirit, and an increase of strength and boldness to do the things God has called me to do.

How can I pray for the people you minister to?

Here is where I will give you a list of my heavy heart and you can pray however you are lead.
My heart is heavy for students who don't feel loved or cared for.
My heart is heavy for the students caught in the middle of their parent's struggles.
My heart is heavy for students who have taken up the responsibility of parenting themselves.
My heart is heavy for the parents who don't know what to do with their struggling child.
My heart is heavy for parents who are raising a child on their own.
My heart is heavy for parents who are struggling in their relationships with their spouses.
My heart is heavy for students who might have never met their real parents.
My heart is heavy for students growing up in hostile situations.
My heart is heavy for students who feel completely alone.
My heart is heavy for parents who have to make difficult decisions.
My heart is heavy for students who don't understand the reality of drugs or alcohol and the cyclical pattern they produce.
My heart is heavy for students who don't understand real intimacy.
My heart is heavy for families dealing with terminal illnesses.
My heart is heavy because there is nothing I can personally do to change each and every one of these situations expect pray.


My heart may be heavy and my thoughts a bit muddy but I am blessed to be where I am and who I am no matter how difficult it gets. This is Seriously Ridiculous.

B.

I don't want to just be comfortable but I don't want to be uncomfortable...

Somehow it sneaks its way in. One day you are passionate, excited, and walking out your faith in dangerous wonder and then later on you find yourself not wanting to move from where you are at. Slowly but surely that passion and excitement can get drowned out by the pretend peaceful silence which draws us in to keep us from wanting to move. Why move or do anything risky or dangerous when everything is just going okay? What is the point of stepping out and purposefully making yourself uncomfortable?


I think I have recently reached a point in my heart where I have recognized that I have been walking in a "comfortable" relationship with Christ. Yes I have taken some big steps in trusting God with finances but that isn't the only step that He has called me to take. Years ago God gave me a vision for the youth in Shasta Lake and for the city itself and He has brought me to a place where I can begin to work on the things that He called me to but I am afraid to lose my comfort. Now, I would be lying if I said that everything up to this point has been comfortable serving out in Shasta Lake because it definitely hasn't, however, I find myself unwilling to take further steps towards the things that I want to see happen in Shasta Lake City.

(Everything that I am typing down is simply things that I have been processing recently and trying to type it all up late at night isn't really working so I'm just going to leave this off with the basics.)

I know what needs to take place in order for me to get out of my comfort zone - I actually have to take the step forward. I remember when i was in Australia and we went out into the major shopping area and did some street bible reading. It was probably one of the most terrifying moments of my life, and it really shouldn't have been. I stood and listened to my friend read her favorite scripture out loud, and when I say loud I mean loud, as tons of people kept passing by and then explain why it was her favorite verse. I knew I would have to go next so I picked my favorite portion of scripture from Romans 8 and began to read out loud. I was so uncomfortable and afraid but I didn't let it stop me from reading it out as loud as I could without actually shouting. And, I remember as I was reading this sort of freedom came over me and what had made me scared and uncomfortable began to excite me so I pressed on to why it was my favorite portion of scripture. It was a thrilling and exciting experience that I am so glad I was able to do even though it did cause a couple of random aboriginal men to come and stand right behind me, almost touching me, as they were trying to figure out what I was saying. Somehow I need to get myself to take that step forward and be willing to put myself in those positions again. I don't mean that I need to go out and read the Bible in public all the time but that I need to be willing to step out and do the things that scare me, that make me uncomfortable, and that cause my faith in the God of all possibilities to increase.

Who knows maybe God will lead me to read the bible out loud in a random public setting again, that would be Seriously Ridiculous.

B.

Seriously I need to blog in the day. It is way to late for me to re-read this to make sure I didn't mess up.

The Art of Giving Up...

There are certain things that when we start following Christ that He calls us to give up. Maybe for some people it is their dreams and for others it could be a harmful habit. When we decide to follow Him he calls us to be willing to lay down everything to follow him like the rich man who Jesus told to go and sell everything he had give it away to the poor and then come and follow him. There are so many things in my life that I feel like I can never give up or rather as soon as I think that I have given it up the reality that it is still there comes back like a punch in the face. Is he worth it of course, is every minute within his presence an immense blessing absolutely, is there more to gain by spending every moment dwelling wirh him sure but I have still yet to perfect the art of giving up: the art of letting go of every single human fleshly desire to seek the things that I personally long for rather than the things that god longs for me. Every time I feel like I have succeeded, in comes these hidden desires. These hidden desires hold tight like a ghostly figure retained in the secret memories in the back of mind waiting to make an appearance. Once it makes its appearance everyrthing that my flesh says that I am missing out on begins to be something I crave. Then, when desire creeps in, loneliness or depression is stirred for a lack of something that I am in no need of (or at least I don't think that I am in need of). This is how the art of giving up evades me. Every time I think I have given up everything precious to me like Abraham, who was willing to give up his own son, I am reminded that part of me still holds on to what I thought was let go. The blessed truth even in this whole circumstance is that the God of Heaven and earth has grace enough for me to never give up on me when I struggle giving up what I do not need.

B.

What could be more Ridiculous than God's grace?

Howling at the Moon

Ok this blog has nothing to do with howling at the moon I just figured it sounded like fun to do. I find it completely ridiculous that I am awake right now at 2:30am. Everyday I wake up around 9:30am lay in bed for a while and sometimes go back to sleep but only for short intervals where I'm in that half awake half asleep mode and then I get up feeling even more tired than when I first woke up at 9:30. I don't know what the deal is with me and why goign to sleep before even 1am is so stinking difficult. I could be completely exhausted and I would still find myself staying up past midnight. The only time I ever get to bed before midnight is when I am sick. But, even when I am sick I still wind up sleeping in until like 10:30.
I think that part of the reason I enjoy staying up so late is because all day long I am surrounded by people and noise so when midnight hits everyone else is finally asleep and the house is totally quiet. I can watch movies or my favorite shows without any distractions or interuptions, or on the rare occasion I could actually work on something that I didn't wind up finishing earlier because I was too distracted. I mean think about it. When you live in a family with tons of people and your job requires you to be around people almost all the time when you are alone it is like you can think clearly for the first time and relax without every being worried about anything. Doesn't that sound so nice! Then again, being alone for too long just gets sad. Another result of growing up in a large family is that even though the alone time is nice it gets old pretty quickly and you begin to want company. Such a weird Dichodomy, is that how you spell that word? I don't know.

B.

OH man I guess you could say howling at the moon does have to do with this blog because it is something that you do when the moon is out and that happens pretty late at night this time of the year.

Sweet!

The New Journey... The New Blog...

So this is probably a bit strange but I decided to start a whole other blog about things that are going on in the youth ministry that I am currently working in. I know that there are people who might like to be involved in youth ministry so they want to see what it is like... sooooooo pretty much everything I post will be concerning youth ministry and how I do things. I don't believe that I do things the "right" way so-to-speak but I do them the way that I believe is right for me and the ministry that I am working in. God is doing so many things in my life and I am still struggling with a lot of different things as well as trusting Him completely but no matter what I know that He is faithful. So, I am going to just try and trust Him as best I can and ask Him for more of His tangible presence in my life.

B.
http://brandon-allen.blogspot.com/2010/03/what-in-world-am-i-doing.html

Setting Our Gaze

I love the statement "where we set our gaze is where we will wind up going" because of how true it is in terms of our relationship with Christ. If we take our gaze off of Him we begin to swerve to the left or to the right and being to veer off the path that we had intended to go. So many things around us try and fight for out attention. It reminds me of how while driving I can get a bunch of text messages and I know I shouldn't answer them not only because it is illegal but because of how dangerous it is to put my eyes on my phone. And, so many times I have taken my eyes off the road and put them on my phone to answer a response that I could have done at a later time and I find that if most of my attention is not on the road I will begin to drift just slightly... I'm not saying I am a bad driver but we all have our moments where if we start to lose focus on what is in front of us we begin to leave the road that is in front of us. So my prayer is that God will forgive me in those times when I do lose focus and that by His Spirit help me to continue to keep my gaze upon Him.

Another Crazy dream... "Cleansing Fire"

This is probably the most Seriously Ridiculous dreams I have ever had. I wrote the whole thing down the day after I had it and I wanted to post it up on a blog as well. So here it is.

The world was going crazy. People were fighting all over the place. Everyone was trying to get power and control and there were rumors that a great storm was coming that would destroy everything. Most people didn't believe the storm was coming or that the world was coming to an end, the reason being that they were too consumed with themselves. When you are consumed with yourself you can't see anything around you. I wasn't sure what would happen but I trusted in God.
  As the day for when the great storm drew near presidents and prime ministers denied that anything would happen and that everything would be fine. I knew better and so did everyone else in the world who followed Christ.
   On the day of the storm I didn't know what to do so I decided to head home. When I got home there was nobody there. I looked through my whole house and my entire family was gone but I had no clue where they went. After searching for a while I went back outside and a girl pulled up in to my driveway. Immediately she got out of the car and told me to get in because we were going somewhere safe where the storm wouldn't harm us. In the dream I knew that I was good friends with this girl but I didn't know who she was or how I was good friends with her. As i got into the truck she told me that there had been places hidden all over the world that would keep you safe from this specific storm. They were built years ago and nobody knew about them. People even built things over the top of the land that was created as a safe place and so those buildings became safe spots. While she was telling me this I looked behind me and saw the clouds. Up to this point I had still retained some doubts about the severity of the storm but after seeing the clouds all doubts faded away. These were not normal clouds. The clouds were pink, red, gray, and orange. They were gigantic as well and towered over the mountains to the west of Redding. As, they came over the land loud cracks of lightning sounded. The lightning was forming and moving around inside the clouds and the sound of it was terrifying. It was like no sound I had ever heard a cloud make before. The closest thing that I could compare it to is the sound of a whip mixed with the sound of a crackling candy wrapper in a silent room only a million times louder.
  At the same time I was seeing these clouds roll over the mountains the rest of the world was seeing clouds of their own. One female politician who was involved in some of the wars looked out her large glass doors in her huge government building that overlooked a large city in the middle east and was taken aback as she said, "they were right."
  Back in the truck the girl was driving very fast, but glad that the safe spot was not far from where I lived, because the storm was going to start at any moment. Then I turned to her and asked her, "how did you know where it was if it was hidden?" She replied, "because of her," and pointed out the passenger window. As I turned and looked out the window I saw a shadowy figure that I could only barely make out that I hadn't seen before. At first it was just a black silhouette but then it came more into focus and I turned back to my friend and said, "it's a deer!"
   Guessing that this deer could talk, I looked back at it and asked it why I couldn't see it before. The deer said," I don't know but I think it is because people don't take the time to stop and listen, they are too busy doing things that they can't see or hear us. We are guides. There are hundreds of us all over the world and our job is to guide people to the sacred locations where they will be safe from the storm." I wondered to myself how many times I had been too busy to listen to my own personal guide.
    The deer then told us to turn left and pointed out a metal gate and told us it was the building just beyond the gate. We pulled up to the gate jumped out of the truck and ran over to a shack type overhang that looked like it had been built to house cattle. The building had one wall made of wood and chain link fences cover two of the other places where one might expect a wall to be and the roof was made of tin. It was very open and didn't feel very safe but the deer encouraged us that it was a sacred place that could not be touched by the storm.
  From our safe location we watched the clouds keep getting larger and larger over the valley and more people began to show up with their own animal guides, someone even had a giraffe. Then I looked over to the deer and asked her, "who sent you to guide us?" She responded in  a way that suggested she wasn't 100% sure of the name of the person, " Jesus I guess." Then I looked up and saw a large bolt of lighting growing in the cloud and I knew it was time and the storm was going to start. I knew that the sound of that one lightning would be too terrible to bear so I put my hands over my ears, closed my eyes, and laid down on my sleeping bag that I had rolled out on to the dirt floor and somehow fell asleep, everyone else also fell asleep as well.
  I may not have heard the sound of the lightning but everyone else in the world did and also experienced its effects. The storm caused fire to engulf everything that man had created. Every house, every building, and every person that was no in a safe spot was consumed by fire. there was nothing anyone could do because they hadn't heard the guide calling their name. Only one family found safety after the storm had begun.
  A single mom with two boys fixed a very large dinner for her family because she knew it would be their last. Before they finished eating the fires reached the house and smoke began to come in to the house. The sad woman held on to her kids and said, "everything is going to be alright." She thought to herself, "if only the water in the house worked we could at least fight it off," but not even the water could have held off these flames. She told the kids to go down in the basement and as she followed behind she saw water leaking from the pipes and prayed that her kids would not have to die like this.
   She knew that the even though there a foot of water had leaked into the basement from the leaking pipes that it wouldn't be able to stop these flames so she waited in fear for the fire to come. But, as the fire began to engulf the rest of the house and water started to evaporate from parts of the basement, the flames did not enter the room. And, it was at that moment she realized and said out loud, "God has made a safe place for us." Little did she know that God had created that specific location a safe place knowing that her basement would be there.
    The politician viewing everything from her expensive building was not so lucky. She watched the lightning fall, the glass on her doors crumble from the explosion, the whole city consumed and engulfed with fire until she was ultimately consumed herself.
    When we woke up the skies were clear and beautiful. The world had been sanctified and made knew. Everything in it that was not of God had been burnt away and everything else had been made a 100 times more intense and beautiful than before.


Pretty Ridiculous huh???

-B

River of Life

Prayer is our greatest tool and our greatest resource in the Kingdom of Heaven. What is so amazing about prayer is that "God" the creator of the Heavens and Earth litterally takes the time to listen to an insignificant human being like me, not because He has to but because He thinks that everything I say is important. One of my most favorite ways to pray is to sit behind a piano and just begin to play whatever I feel like playing, mainly a 2 or four chord progression because I can only play chords, and then sing my prayers out. Sometimes they flow with the music and sometimes they don't. My number one favorite way to pray, which you can decide for yourself if it is biblical or not, is that when I don't have any special words to say I just start singing. I sing no words or anything I just start singing whatever notes or making whatever noises that I feel somewhere deep in my gut, or in my spirit. In times where I have just let go of everything, all my fear and pride, and let the Holy Spirit lead me in prayer, because I don't always know what to pray for, He comes and helps me to pray whatever it is that I need to pray for.
It blows me away that our Heavenly Father doesn't need us to pray but chooses to act through what we pray and also knows the moments that we are not going to really know what to pray for and gives us His Spirit to help lead us when we don't know what to say. Think about that for a second. That is Seriously Ridiculous. The Spirit of God is a River of Life within us. He leads us in what to pray and there is power behind every word that we pray. There is no need for God to use us in prayer and still He desires us to pray. He even desires us to lean on His Spirit seeking what it is we should be praying for. I confess that so often I forget about all the things that I "should" be praying for and it is in those times where I am quiet and listening to God, whether intentionally listening or just paying attention to His voice as it is keeping me awake late at night, I am moved to pray. When I am behind a piano or some other music is playing and I believe the Spirit leading me to pray these images come to mind of persons, events, or things in the spiritual realm and I just sing about whatever i see. However it is we pray, when we pray out there is life and power and strength in waht we speak. Not becuase of how powerful or strong we are as humans but because of the power of the living God within us.

B